eat pray love [part 3]

Sometimes, when a door slams in your face, it’s the universe nudging you in another direction.

Like Liz Gilbert in Eat Pray Love, a break-up was the core moment behind my decision to double down on myself, quit my job, and live out of a Cotopaxi backpack.

A door slammed in my face. Whenever that happens, it doesn’t feel good. If that door hits the iced coffee in your hand and it falls on your white shirt, that can ruin your day.

If that’s the day of your big presentation at work, you could underperform because you lost confidence due to the brown coffee stain that now marred your chest.

That can ruin your week.

If that’s the presentation that was supposed to get you promoted and finally give you enough financial stability to move out of your parents’ basement, well you know where I’m going.

The hypothetical coffee spilling on your shirt ends up changing the course of your immediate future.

HOWEVER, what if that person who slams the door on your face turns around and apologizes?

What if she asks to buy you another coffee? And what if you say yes?

You two walk and talk and exchange a promising smile as you both go about your day.

You then totally forget about that stain on your chest, play a song from your Daylist* as you ride the elevator to the office, crush the presentation, and get that promotion.

Sorry, Mom. I’m out!

A few months go by.

You’re cooling down after a run and walking up to your new apartment. You see the same girl walking her dog on the sidewalk.

You exchange numbers and meet up for a coffee over the weekend. You pay this time. Three years later, you’re married.

So, the moral of this crazy hypothetical, is that a door slamming in your face doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

My homie above got lucky that his future wife spilled Dunkin’ on his shirt.

But he still chose to accept her apology, take her up on the coffee instead of cramming for his presentation, and made that mental switch on the elevator to nail his presentation.

To land this plane, when a door slams in your face, part of what happens next lies within our Circle of Influence. As Rocky says,

Side note, I just saw Rocky for the first time this year…

In the last part of my Eat Pray Love series, I’ll be talking about love. However, I think it’s helpful to start with where I was when I got hit, hard.

—begin—

I woke up at around 3am on this particular day, about a year ago. I was drenched in sweat and my neck pain continued to cast a frozen spell down my back.

I had been nursing this severe upper body and neck pain for weeks after my breakup.

My soreness was akin to doing seven Murph workouts in seven days. But I was doing none of that.

I looked over and saw Alice curled up in a ball, staring at me with her cataract eyes.

She was confused by my sudden angst and obvious discomfort. Alice, the rescued chiweenie my ex and I adopted in 2020, was unaware of today’s events.

The next 24 hours consisted of me saying my last goodbyes to Alice, handing the apartment keys to my ex, and putting in my 2 weeks at my former job.

I felt like all the love was sucked out of me. I saw the world in black and white and the volume was turned down to near mute.

My love cup = 0% full

After that final interaction with my ex, I drove back to my friends’ house where I had been staying the last few weeks.

I put the car in park and started to cry. It felt like a release of all the buildup, all the tension leading up to the final goodbye, the handing of the keys, and the the end of our chapter.

That evening we had a bonfire. My friends allowed me to vent for a while, but we spent most of the evening talking about love, being with your best friend, life, and purpose.

Looking back, a lot of what we talked about became the basis of the threads I explored over the past year:

the exploration of self-love and learning about others’ relationship experiences with the goal of improving the ones in my life a little bit more.

That evening of warmth with my friends proved to be an elixir on the day I needed it the most.

Thank you KC, Z, and Pat.

Ironically, it’s a year later, and I live a block away from these special humans.

My love cup = 10% full

On my roadtrip back to Richmond, I stopped for a few days in Louisville to visit two close friends (let’s call them Charles and Devon) and their amazing little girls. Two of my other best friends had also flown down for the weekend.

I spent the next few days doing three things:

1) observing the unconditional love that a parent gives their children —

It's incredible to see someone you spent many nights with in college, drinking cheap beer, now bathing his baby girls, singing all the songs from Frozen, and reading bedtime stories.

Charles and Devon seemed to have barely enough time to feed themselves, but anytime one of the girls laughed, they got excited, and anytime they cried, one of them was there to mend things.

Charles and Devon taught me that there’s always love inside of you to give. There’s always something left in the tank.

2) remembering childlike love —

I hadn’t been around kids much lately. They are a beautiful reminder of the joy that life can bring you. And that it doesn’t have to come as a result of a credit card swipe or getting to the bottom of a (fill in the blank).

Life felt serious the past few years, and seeing the lightness of childlike behavior was something I realized I needed to reincorporate back into my life. As Siddhartha states in Hermann Hesse’s novel,

3) receiving love —

That weekend I was surrounded by three of my closest friends, all of whom will be up there with me whenever I do tie the knot. My past self would have rejected comfort from others and put up a facade that everything was okay.

Everything was not okay, and my friends saw that in my eyes. The point of family (more on this later) and your tribe is your opportunity to lean on them when it matters the most.

I believe in the past I would have seen this as a sign of weakness, but now I can confidently say it’s just a sign of being human.

Thank you to all my friends who allowed me to lean on your shoulders this year.

My love cup = 20% full

My team showed up a month later for my 30th birthday. I was hesitant to celebrate this trip around the sun, but my friends pushed me to do something, as all good friends would do.

The morning of my birthday, I went on a run before meeting my friend Eddie at the airport. Riding that post-run high, I sat down to have breakfast with my family.

As my family began singing Happy Birthday, a rush of emotions hit. I had been accustomed to another’s voice and face at the birthday table these past few years. But not this year.

A whole wave of emotions hit me, but within seconds, I was embraced by both my sister and mom.

The last year, I have spent a considerable amount of time at home. And as I observed from Charles and Devon, the love of family is beyond unconditional.

For all the darkness that hit me, the greatest light was the amount of time I was able to spend with my family and rekindle my relationship with each of them.

My emotions were up and down during this period, but their support showed up each and every day.

To my family, I love you. Forever and always.

The birthday weekend ended up being magical, and one I’ll never forget.

Overflowing with gratitude after returning, I emailed each person that came to the weekend recounting memories from our 10+ year friendships and thanking them for being there for me.

A ritual I plan to continue in years to come.

My love cup = 30% full

Travels began shortly after my birthday weekend. Undeniably, the highlight was the four-day hike to Machu Picchu.

During a reiki session last summer, the healer recommended spending as much time in nature as I could.

It’s been top of mind since and the core inspiration behind many of the actions I’ve taken - picking up running and choosing Bali as a destination, to name a few.

Mother Nature, or Pachamama, has truly been a source of healing throughout the year.

She taught me numerous lessons: embracing my inherent beauty, pushing my boundaries, and cultivating an open mind.

Whenever I feel stuck or uninspired moving forward, I know a little time with Nature can do the trick.

My love cup = 50% full

Speaking of Bali, I spent a month on the Island of the Gods. This month of solo travel felt like a year. And like a year, there were many ups and downs.

I got food poisoning, hiked a volcano, fell into a loop of loneliness, did countless cold plunges, and faced my fear of water by scuba diving and surfing.

During this time, I finally understood the power that is self-love. There wasn’t anyone else that could pick me up during the downs or high five me during those ups. It was me, myself, and I, and I got through it.

As I took off back to the States after the trip, I felt inspired. I could truthfully tell myself that I can ride a wave on my own, literally and figuratively.

I loved myself, was confident in myself, and my love cup was a bit more full.

Let’s call it, 60%

It was bittersweet to come back. I met some great friends in Uluwatu and had a bit more cash to last me about 40 more sunsets.

But I was coming back to celebrate the marriage of two of my best friends.

Let’s call them Matthew and Alex.

I spoke to how I look up to both Matthew and Alex. I was in the driver’s seat (literally) when they met in college and I’ve had a first or second row seat to their story the past eight years.

They persevered through a long distance relationship for almost half of their time together. They taught me that love is not easy, and if someone is worth fighting for, you fight and endure because it will be worth it in the end.

It became clear that true love is not granted. You have to continue to work on it, or the flame will go out.

I see that in Alex and Matthew’s story, my parents, and so many other couples I have been fortunate enough to befriend over the years.

Love was in my hands and I lost it. It’s something I came to accept during this weekend.

A harsh lesson to learn, but one that will be a vital learning for me the next time around.

To Matthew and Alex and all the other couples that put in the work, thank you for showing me the way. I’m taking notes.

My love cup = 80% full

I spent the fall months at home and fully embraced this period of slowing down. From my time in Bali, I learned that less is actually more, and there’s no need to fill up your day with “things” just to feel a sense of accomplishment or pride.

During this season, I chose to focus on four daily habits.

My thought process was simple everything else would fall into place if I tackled each of the following habits daily…

1. reading —

Reading has allowed me to learn through the storytelling of others and achieve a sense of ‘grounding’ before the day plays tricks on me.

2. writing —

A hobby I never thought I possessed the skills to have…I’ve learned more about myself and the world through creating stories out of blank pages.

3. meditation —

This practice has allowed me to have a stronger relationship with my intuition, catch my emotions as they arise, and slow down after a period of optimizing every moment of the day.

4. movement —

Outside of the physical benefits of moving your body, running and daily walks have been the single greatest improvement to my mental health. In a way it’s a moving meditation, a communion with nature, and a moment to myself.

Continuing down the thread of self-love actualization, our habits and our routines are how we show alms to ourselves. Acts of servitude to ourselves can be seen as an expression of faith through action.

My love cup = 90% full (we’re almost home folks)

India was the last leg of my trip. While in Bombay, I was fortunate enough to meet up a few friends I had met in Bali for their Christmas party.

That evening I had a healthy debate with a woman about the definition of love and her stance that it does not exist.

If you’ve been following my journey, you know I’m a sucker for love. I mean I list “romantic comedies” as one of my interests on my resume.

I come from a family of lawyers, but I don’t relish the opportunity for a debate. But if someone says love doesn’t exist, I have to hop in the arena.

What actually got me thinking that night was her question to me on my definition of love.

After giving her a jumbled answer (it was like 2am), I realized that our definition of love can change over time. And depend on what we’ve learned and what we’ve experienced along the way.

The next morning I thought about it some more and came up with this:

Maybe as our clock lengthens in this life we gain awareness of what love is.

We realize it’s not easily put in words, it cannot be answered in an equation, but we somehow know what she is when it’s in our hands or runs through our blood.

Love sits high as one of the purest emotions we can feel as a human being. We make endless sacrifices and do crazy things for a sip.

One day we realize that we can fill that cup from within. Some learn this Secret early, while others may see the light after a trip around the world.

At first, I thought love was all about lust and play, but I then learned it was about teamwork, growth, and overcoming hardships. And this year I finally realized it doesn’t require another to emote, or feel loved.

Bringing us home, this year was a self-love journey, nurturing my inner child, and healing from the inside out.

I return back to Nashville almost a year to the day of my breakup. Just how I left the previous chapter, I stopped in Louisville to see my friends Charles and Devon and stayed with KC and Pat before moving into my apartment.

A year ago, I sat in those spaces wondering if I could get up.

A year later, I’m back.

Now wondering how far we can fly.

my love cup: 95%+

still work to be done.

Much love,

C

haven’t read part 1 and 2? Check them out here (eat + pray)

—end—

*: names of recent Spotify daylists:

“overthinking clean girl tuesday afternoon”

“tough standing on business early tuesday morning”

“hopeless romantic unrequited love thursday afternoon”

“study beats chillsynth wednesday early morning”

🤦