why i left bali

I’m sitting with a few friends, gazing at the sunset in Uluwatu on my final night in Bali. I encountered these special humans just a few days prior, yet it felt as though I have known them forever. A common theme during my travels, and a topic I’d like to touch on at a later date. Regarding my last day, we organized an evening at The Istana, a wellness sanctuary perched on Uluwatu’s cliffs. A phone-less oasis, we spent the night moving between the sauna and the ice bath as the sun bid adieu to this chapter of my month-long Indonesian adventure.

Sitting there, it was hard to believe how much had happened during the last 30 days. I spent an equal amount of time in Ubud, Gili Air, Canggu, and now Uluwatu, with each setting having their own characters, stories, triumphs, and dark moments. Uluwatu, in particular, felt like home, and I could have stayed for… yeah, I could have stayed for a hot minute.

I was texting a close friend at the airport on my way back to the States, and she asked me two questions:

1. what’s one word that encapsulates how you currently feel about the experience you had?

2. one word that summarizes how you feel about moving forward?

Right before going into airplane mode, I swiftly responded with “healing”, and “INSPIRED”, respectively. Speaking to healing, I’ve made some progress. I can tell myself that I can ride a wave on my own, literally and figuratively. Literally in the fact that I completed my first surf lesson a few days prior and somehow even caught a few waves too. I’ll speak to “INSPIRED” later in this story.

So, there would only be a few reasons why I would have left Uluwatu. In this case, two of my best friends were getting married, and I was privileged to play the role of the best man as they were set to tie the knot on the 9th day of the 9th month of the 9th year they started dating.

Skipping ahead a week after my return from Bali, I arrived in Newark Airport and made my way to the wedding celebrations. A surge of adrenaline coursed through my jet-lagged body as I embraced the bride and groom upon arrival. We ran through the wedding day plan and had a wonderful rehearsal dinner on the water with the Manhattan skyline in the distant background. I successfully got through my speech without shedding a tear. A shock to nobody, the tears came the next day.

I awoke on the wedding day with a Whoop recovery score of 11%, not too bad given the debauchery that usually occurs on the first night with this crew. The wedding took place at the groom’s parent’s house in a beautiful beach town called Little Silver. We spent the morning relaxing with the groom as the wedding planner and her minions beautifully crafted the front and backyard for the celebration. The centerpiece of the backyard was their pool, now enveloped by spacious white tents adorned with hanging lights, casting a gentle radiance as the sun descended.

The back tent played host to the oh-so-skilled band that would play hits such as “Superstition” and “Jungle Boogie” throughout the night. Unsurprisingly, my Whoop detected an activity at around 9:55 that evening.

Prior to the wedding ceremony, the bride and groom performed a unique ritual by presenting their vows in front of the wedding party. I was sitting in between the bride’s sister and the groom’s brother and held both of their hands as they were about to see their younger siblings start their next chapter. You could not find a dry eye in the room after the bride’s vows. She narrated their journey from meeting the groom her freshman year of college to now roommates in their Lower East Side apartment, and everything in between.

You don’t only have to look up to your parents, heroes on the big screen, or characters from a novel. In fact, I look up to both Alex and Matt, the bride and groom and two of my best friends. They persevered through a long distance relationship for almost half of their time together. Their story is a one of one, a snowflake. They taught me that love is not easy, and if someone is worth fighting for, you fight and endure because it will be worth it in the end.

As with almost anything you pursue in life, you must persevere through the inevitable hardships in order to reach success, accomplish that goal, or achieve whatever the end game may be. To quote Ryan Holliday,

I see that in Alex and Matt’s story, my parents, and so many other couples I have been fortunate enough to befriend over the years. This lesson hits hard as I continue to sit in and even feel stuck in the bargaining phase of grief from my recent breakup.

“This was a mutual decision” and “We were going down different paths” were the reasons we (well, I can only speak for myself), told our friends and family to why we broke up. I believed that at the time, but I would tell a different story today. Shock took over me the evening my ex-partner came to me and said she couldn’t do it anymore. I knew it in her voice, and I had been overwhelmed with stress by our current bout that all I had in me was to succumb. I guess I had nothing in me. I was broken not only by her words but also my inability to fight in that moment. A moment I have replayed numerous times in my head like playing Monday morning quarterback after a crushing last second defeat.

Everything happened so quickly after that evening. We broke our lease the next day and began the uncoupling process. This rapid progression further amplified my shock. I told the story of “this was a mutual decision” for months. I could not admit to myself what I now believe to have been the reality, which was I was the one who got broken up with, and I did not have the strength at the time to fight for us one last time. It’s fair to say ego played a part in that as well, as I had been the one to initiate the break ups in my previous relationships. I felt ashamed that being broken up with could be part of my story, so I buried it. Part shock, part ego is a fair assessment.

Yes, the times were tough and most likely at it’s peak when we separated. However, I always thought we would endure, and I knew couples faced cold winters like this along the way. I wholeheartedly thought she was the one, and that our struggles would work themselves out. The latter is where I was wrong – you can never take the relationship for granted. No matter how sure you are of the person or the perceived strength of your connection, you can’t assume things will work out; you have to work it out. I believe if we honestly communicated our pain points and committed to making rebuilding our relationship a priority, we’d still be together today. We needed one more drive to win the game, but the clock hit 00:00.

This harsh reality and lesson learned about not taking the relationship for granted slowly surfaced during my travels the last three months. These emotions were paralyzing in the moment, but in time morphed into acceptance and healing. I cannot undo the past, just like Jalen Hurts can’t undo his fumble in last year’s Super Bowl, but bringing awareness to this reality and accepting it will be vital as I further walk down this path of healing, and subsequently my life ahead. Additionally, I will undoubtably know not to take my relationships for granted moving forward. If an aspect of a relationship needs to be addressed, I will prioritize resolving it because the person could be gone from your life in a moments notice. Life really does come at you fast. One less person on your speed dial. One less location shared. Just like that.

As Rick Rubin beautifully states,

In conclusion, facing harsh truths and my fears over the last few months has been a healing experience. Whether it was facing the reality of the breakup or my fears of the open water by scuba diving in the Gili Islands, these practices have created open spaces within my inner self. I am ‘INSPIRED’ to continue to work inward, follow the Source, and share what I learn along the way.

The day following the wedding, I went for a run in Brooklyn. I am not sure if it was the post run high, but I was overflowing with gratitude for having people like Matt and Alex in my life. Bearing witness to their beautiful story excites me for whatever life has in store for me next.

As my friend Evan likes to say, “we love, love”.