finding my voice again

We’ve all been there before. You’re out with friends and someone is telling a story about a recent interaction with their significant other. These situations often serve as vetting opportunities, indicating that more frequently than not, your friend is narrating an encounter with their partner that was displeasing or less than ideal.

The story concludes, and the narrator, your friend, heads to the bathroom. Everyone else at the table exchanges glances like in the Spiderman meme, wondering what they can say when our friend returns. One friend may jest that they’re whipped, or (insert spouse’s name here) holds the pants in the relationship. Eventually, your friend returns, and the group shares something to lift their spirits. Another friend swiftly transitions into discussing how they’ve joined the “quiet quitting” club and started working out in the middle of the day. The night concludes, and your first friend drives home, continuing to contemplate his relationship while listening to the latest Smartless episode. Life goes on.

I didn’t mind that my previous partner led the charge in our relationship. To my own fault, I wasn’t able to stick up for myself in moments when I wanted to. It could encompass minor intricacies, such as expressing my dinner preferences, or more profound occasions, like directly addressing when an unintentional action caused me emotional distress. In the latter case, I would suppress the emotion until it erupted into some form of passive aggression. Not good! But hey, I’m getting better.

Not asserting myself, or what I informally like to call “losing my voice,” was prevalent towards the end of my relationship. I identified or labeled this when I learned about the seven main chakras during my yoga teacher training course.

Chakras are believed to be energy centers within the human body, according to ancient Indian and yogic traditions. These energy centers (chakras) are believed to be spinning wheels of energy that correspond to bundles of nerves, major organs, and areas of the energetic body that affect our emotional and physical well-being. Finding balance in the energy centers can enhance one’s overall well-being and sense of inner harmony.

When a chakra is blocked or (under)overactive, it can throw you off balance physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. According to my yoga training book, you can think of it as debris that disrupts the flow of energy. We develop coping strategies to get through the ‘pain’ or ‘discomfort,’ which eventually results in energy being unable to flow. This can be observed in our posture, breathing, metabolism, thoughts, work, and relationships.

One of these chakras is Vishuddha, or the throat chakra. Vishudda means “pure” or “purification”. The throat chakra is linked to communication, expression and authenticity. When the energy is imbalanced or blocked, communication breaks down. One refuses to listen to their inner Self, to others, impacting their internal and external connections.

Some emotional symptoms include difficulty in expression, inhibited creativity, disharmonious relationships, and fear of judgement. My attention was piqued in class that day as the teacher delved into the throat chakra.

Right then and there, I knew mine was blocked. I was grappling to speak up not only in my personal life but also professionally. Personally, I’ve touched on it, but professionally, I felt like a square peg in a round hole, but didn’t have the energy at the time to escalate my feelings.

This further proved true when I was preparing for my final teacher training exam – the demo class. I struggled with preparing for my demo class due to this lack of voice. I tend to excel in public speaking environments, but I remember having to fight through my “final test” because of this blockage in my throat. I did end up passing, but, needless to say, it wasn’t my best showing.

This feeling was validated during my first reiki session a month later. I discussed reiki in this blog post; it’s a form of energy healing that originated in Japan in the early 20th century. The practitioner identified that my throat chakra was blocked. I nodded and smiled as I explained to her that’s what I had been profoundly feeling the past few months.

Yoga poses like head rolls / neck stretches, meditation, and introspective activities such as journaling can help open and unblock the throat chakra. It’s clear now that writing played a crucial role in the process of relocating my voice. I simply began jotting down thoughts in my journal to gain a better understanding of the internal battle I was facing. The transformation from short journal entries to blog posts proved pivotal in the gradual unfolding of my Vishuddha.

Unaware of my inclination to write a public blog, the reiki instructor encouraged me to be unapologetic with my voice. I can fairly say I’ve done a solid job of that on this platform but also in my interactions with my family, friends, and passersby since.

The opening of my throat chakra and once again finding my voice has resulted in a radical shift in my internal and external self. The shift has allowed me to connect closer to my intuition more than ever and express myself in my most authentic form. I’m no longer holding onto the chameleon personality as a defense mechanism.

Walking into yet another reiki session yesterday, the practitioner said, “I feel abundance!” with a grand smile. I reciprocated the smile, sat down, and spoke to the varied experiences and stories that have unfolded since our last conversation in May. There’s still work ahead, and I’m motivated to persist and find balance.